The Art of Stealing-Squirrel Style

 Written by a squirrel for other squirrels.

Lots of people come to Central Park, and let me tell you, it is very easy for them to ‘misplace’ some merchandise and for a simply brilliant squirrel, like me, to hit payday. Since the lot of you less fortunate squirrels have been appealing to my greatness for my methods, I decided to write you a little piece telling you exactly how to get those dumb dumbs to hand over the goods. So, if you all follow these steps to a perfect ‘T’, I can guarantee you will have a much easier time in this art.

a.       First off, you’ll wanna find a place in the park, any park I suppose, where no other squirrel is working. It ain’t cool to run your business on someone else’s turf, so don’t let me catch you doing that.

b.      Second, you’ll have to take a coupla days to acclimate to your surroundings. Pick out the best hiding spots, as well as all the regulars-and I ain’t talkin’ about the tough thug types, more like the bent old lady types ‘cause they always have the best snacks.

c.       Thirdly, clean yourself up. I can tell you how many times a human has given a dirty squirrel something: the number is zero cause it ain’t never happened. So clean is the way to go, fluff yer fur out, groom your ears, get your tail to maximum bushiness and you will have yourself a golden start.

d.      This step can be a little intimidating because you actually have to accomplish stealing. I know, shocker that this step is here but you wouldn’t believe how many mooks I meet who don’t realize they actually have to steal things. Every person will be different and depending on your mark you may have to learn their habits before just jumping in. To get you started, here are a few people you will probably find in your park.

a.       Old basket lady: These are the types who wander into the park to feed the birds and are usually loaded, and I mean loaded, with bread and nuts. You need to wait for them to settle into the scratchy benches, and then slowly approach them. Pause every coupla steps, stand on two legs and twitch nose. Then, almost certainly, they will throw some of that delicious human food at you. Bingo one down.

b.      Hispters: These are the ones with those little rectangles they always carry round. Now all you gots to do is get in their view and approach slowly, again act uncertain. Once you’re in their selfie, you’ve earned their trust. Quickly run up their legs, while they struggle to video you, grab some of the goods and make away before they can react.

c.       The couples: These are the overly romantic duos of humans who are always nuzzling and hugging. It’s easy to grab stuff off them, more so than those old ladies, simply run up when they are nuzzling and take what you want. They will be too busy looking at each other to be irritated by a squirrel that is rummaging through the purse on the ground.

d.      Overweight guy by hotdog stands: More easy pickins’. Simple find them and run around by their feet, grabbing the crumbs that tumble down from the glorious food heaven. Watch out for footsteps, that ain’t never gonna end well.

e.       Foreigners/tourists: Slighlt harder than yer average old lady, but if you know a few tricks- standing on two legs, posing, etc- then you have your happy ending in the bag, as they say. They always have cool items that you can pinch off them that do well on the gray hill markets (them humans would call this black markets).

f.       Joggers: To be honest with yas, these are the types you should only attempt when you are at the skill level I am at. Even I have trouble with these ones some times. They rarely have too much good on them, but anything is better than nothing. Best advice is to watch their feet and wait for them to lap up water from the fountains.

g.      Protestors: You’d this one would be self-explanatory as well. But all yous gotta do is scramble around in front of them, occasionally sniffing their feet. They will usually have snacks on them-and sometimes bracelets and rings- that any squirrel could get if they are fast enough. I’ll warn ya now, some of those hunting groups can get a bit rough.

h.      Hardest of all-The Locals: These guys should only be attempted at the highest level of stealing. The only reason I kept these guys in here is cause you would need to be warned about them. They are smart, they know we are too, and are harder to beg from. Kudos to you if you just so happen to succeed.

There, now you have yourself a little guide as to how to steal things. Don’t go askin’ me where to sell your loot or what to do after. All yous asked for was a how-to guide to stealing. Deal with the rest yourselves. Good luck fellow lifters!

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